Several weeks ago I reported I'd been "feeling uneasy lately, like there's thick, black smoke in my stomach". I thought that it was guilt, a signal that I was on spiritual thin ice. While that may still be the case, I doubt that was the underlying cause here (seeing as if it were guilt relating to homosexuality, it would follow an action, and as a reader pointed out, I haven't actually done anything there). So tonight I have a more likely finding.
I believe this "thick, black smoke" is not internal but inhaled, so to speak: my home is polluted in a way, and it's little wonder I should feel the effects of it after a couple of years. This probably seems obvious, but when you're surrounded by something long enough, it becomes regrettably unremarkable.
But now it is obvious, even to me. One clear sign is that I didn't really have this pit in my stomach when I was at school or otherwise out and about. Before, I supposed that this was because the distractions of the world were 'blocking out' my conscience. Now I see that when I'm engaged in school and other activities away from home, I'm able to forget about the problems that I sometimes find there. It follows that it began to feel like a permanent ailment because I spend most of my non-school time at--where else for the scholaholic with no social life?--my house.
As if I don't have enough inner turmoil as a gay Mormon, I'm conflicted with my feelings toward my mom. At times I feel angry over wrongs (perceived or real), and at times I feel compassion for a mother of two who's been through a lot. Most of the time I feel an uncomfortable combination of the two, and I think this 'mixed state' contributes to the dis-ease I often feel.
So...I'm looking forward to college. (As one perceptive reader suggested, I'm looking for one at least a state away!) I'm focusing on the future and all that I have to live for. And most of all I'm hopeful, because now that I can clearly see this knot, I can finally start untying it.
P.S. I know I can occasionally wax melodramatic, but please know that this is not a call for pity. While like all families we have our problems, we also have some wonderful times together. I would describe my home situation as the typical 21st century American fam-damn-ily, and if I went into more detail than that most people would roll their eyes and waste no time filing my case into the 'So what?' category. That is where it belongs, honestly, so for a truly sad situation that really does deserve our attention and hearts, I would direct you to the Blog (RED) badge at right. :)