October Conference

Lately, I've been thinking of coming back to the Church. I'm planning a post about this later, but the bottom line is, I'm realizing that Mormonism is my home.

So, I was encouraged by Pres. Uchtdorf's talk to those who have left the Church or are on their way out. It was fair, sympathetic, thoughtful. And then today, Dallin Oaks's reinforcement of the party line on gay marriage, etc., was a reality check on Uchtdorf's kumbaya, a reminder that it's business as usual.

Uchtdorf reminded me what I love and miss about the Church; Oaks reminded me why I left.

And I still don't know which is stronger--I love(d) being Mormon, but I am gay. I want a marriage and a family, and that would have to be with a person I could fully love on a romantic, emotional, and physical level--in all likelihood, another man, in other words. And yet, it is a Mormon family I want, and it is probably my Mormon upbringing that has made family so important to me in the first place. They are the same, unified desire -- being gay and being Mormon are inextricable from each other and from my being.

Is it possible for a gay couple to have a place in the Church? Watching the videos from the Affirmation conference last month (which I really wish I could have gone to), I felt hope that it was possible. Listening to Uchtdorf yesterday, I was encouraged by the invitation that "There is room for you here." Listening to Oaks today, I wonder if there ever truly will be. Is it worth it to try--risk?--finding out?