A while ago I was at a Logan fireside when I met an older MoHo who repeatedly lamented, 'I wish I'd known about this [support system] earlier" (he was quite new to the MoHo scene). His frustration echoes back to me when I see guys my age who are likely Family--one fellow in particular. 'Does he think he's the only one, as many of us often have?' I wonder.
Maybe he'll marry a woman and wreck a family (or perhaps, have a successful--if difficult--marriage). Maybe he doesn't see 'the relation' yet. Maybe my gaydar's completely off and I could end up humiliating him. Maybe he'll suffer needlessly, not knowing of the options and support available to him. Maybe he'll spend half his life in denial. Or, maybe he'll end his life.
The ice is so thin here I suppose the only thing I can do is be a good friend, eventually come out to him (if it feels like the right thing to do), and leave the ball in his court.
And if some of you are questioning my motives, I assure you they are pure, though the thought did cross my mind...
3 comments:
I see myself in your post. I am also new to the MoHo queerosphere and in many ways wish I had found it earlier. But the truth is that I didn't know I was gay (despite all the evidence that I was gay, as I am documenting on my blog this week). I wonder how my life would have been different if I had known/recognized/accepted earlier. I hope that I don't end up wrecking my family. I too am torn about what to do if I recognize that someone else is struggling with being gay, particularly in Mormonism, which seems like such a difficult place for a homosexual to be.
My best friend was in a very similar situation and I think what you have in mind is best. He may be in what I call the 'not gay' phase. Even if he feels he's not straight any attempt to define him as gay or even bi will seem threatening. Being there and defining your own sexuality when you deem appropriate is the best way to support him.
My friend came out after a long struggle (roughly 5 years) in the 'not gay' stage, but he's doing quite well now.
I actually have thought about this alot. One guy in my ward is obvious and oblivious (or so I am told). I plan on taking a line out of "Goldfish Memory" and asking him if he has a girlfried. "no" A boyfriend? "... no"
"Oh sorry, I didn't want to just assume you were straight."
That way the ball is in his court to ask me if I am gay, opening things up.
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