Beating a Retreat

I feel that I've made a lot of progress in the past week. I had a little epiphany of sorts on Monday. Then, yesterday, I met Bravone for breakfast; we had a great conversation and his advice is very helpful (thanks again, Bravone!).

I won't go into specifics, because I still don't know where I specifically am, but suffice it to say my "aha moment"--as Oprah would call it--centered around the realization that I cannot continue to look for loopholes to justify my hopes (regardless of what path I end up taking). Then, over breakfast yesterday morning, we agreed that one can intellectualize oneself out of the Church, as I probably have come close to doing.

Anyway, I'm leaving to spend the next two weeks or so with the aunt that I've referred to in previous posts (yes, the very one who warned me about relying too heavily on logic). It'll be a great chance to talk to her about everything and just think about the direction I'm to go in--without some of the pressures I juggle here on the home front. I don't expect to have a clear answer on return--nor would I necessarily want that--but I hope it will be a time to "re-orient" myself (no pun intended) and gain some more clarity.

In sum, it's not that I've come closer to a decision, it's that my way of thinking has changed, in the following aspects:

  1. I am no longer going to comb through Church doctrine searching for technicalities to justify a homosexual partnership.

  2. I will view my struggle and my options with the lens of faith, not the lens of skepticism that I fear has permeated my thinking for the past while.

  3. I will trust in myself to make the right decision based on my dependence on Heavenly Father. I have spent far too much emotional capital in anxiety over this.


Off to Never-Never Land!

An unwittingly witty conversation with my sister, who knows her brother very well--excepting one trait (that he's gay):

Me: ...I'm going to start a book club with some friends this summer.
Sister: If you actually did half the things you say you'll do...
Me: No, I'm really going to do this! I have a list of names and everything.
Sister: No, you won't.
Me: Hey, remember the movie Finding Neverland? They're trying to fly the kite, and everyone doubts the boy, and Johnny Depp says, "It'll never fly if no one believes in him!" Then they all support and believe in him, and it flies!
Sister: Well, I guess I don't believe in you.
Me, quoting another line from the movie: "Every time you say, 'I don't believe in fairies,' a fairy dies."

It didn't occur to me until later how applicable that line really was! But no, I didn't drop dead on the floor shortly thereafter. And in all fairness to my sister...yes, I do sometimes have a hard time following through with my fabulous ideas.

...But I am doing this book club, dammit!