Today I received my Patriarchal Blessing. It was truly a beautiful blessing, and I felt that the Patriarch was inspired...So why am I so confused? The blessing talked about a full-time mission and a Temple marriage to a woman, both things I have been unsure of lately.
I have been unsure of a mission because, in the first place, I thought it would be unfair for some innocent Mormon mother in Orem to know that her son will be spending most of his time with a gay companion. I also thought it might be hypocritical to proselyte others to the Church until my own future in it is more secure.
As far as marriage to a woman goes, I just thought it would be unfair to put an innocent daughter of God through such an unsure situation, even with full openness and understanding of my sexuality. Although I in no way mean to demean those of you in MOMs (you have my utmost respect), it seemed to me that I just couldn't, in good conscience, do that to a woman--especially since I have heard that, for many people, SGA intensifies in a Mixed Orientation Marriage ('MOM'). Not to mention children...as one who's childhood includes two divorces, I thought it would be unfair to rear a child in a marriage with such unstable circumstances. It seemed so reckless to me, but God is commanding me to do it?
So, I have doubts...I have fears, frustrations, and confusions, as we all do.
Even if I had perfect faith in the Patriarch and the Blessing and the Church, I am certainly doubting myself, at least. Have I "misdiagnosed" (for lack of a better term, because gay-ness is, of course, no disease) homosexuality? Perhaps I am actually bisexual (or even straight?) after all. I have caught myself sort of staring at a beautiful girl a couple of times in the last little while. Could this be the hint of an attraction, the likes of which could sustain a marriage, with some cultivation and prayer? I don't know--having read and researched the Kinsey Scale, I don't think I've ever thought I'm 100% gay (this isn't the first time I've blogged about being unsure of my sexual identity), and maybe the few who are completely gay are the only ones exempt from the Gospel's general expectation of marriage.
Moreover, after my early-morning appointment with the Patriach, my lesson in Priests' Qrm. was about dating! Is this a sign, or just a spiteful irony? "You have to find an Eternal Companion in this life," they taught. Obviously there are exceptions to this, but it would be a pretty amazing coincidence, and I am already skeptical of coincidences' existence to begin with.
At the same time, I'm currently reading the chapter in Carol Lynn Pearson's No More Goodbyes about MOMs, and it absolutely breaks my heart. So many think that theirs is the one that will be different--the one that will defy the expectation and conquer the challenges--and find only heartbreak and disappointment. On the other hand, some of you prove that MOMs can be not just possible but successful, rewarding, and glorious, albeit difficult and taxing at times.
Looking at all possibilities, what if I'm nothing but a confused but straight teenager just trying to make sense of his 'over-programmed' hormones? In that scenario, maybe Heavenly Father blessed me with some temporary sexual confusion so that I can develop compassion and understanding for His gay children. I don't know.
I asked for Heavenly Father's guidance, and here it is, right? Personalized scripture, specific enough to invalidate any interpretation that would include gay marriage or a purely post-mortal mission. Pretty direct, in fact, though of course I won't get into the exact details.
I prayed and fasted that this Blessing would give me some clarity, and now I have a clear answer, the direction I lacked and sought. Yet I am now only more confused than I was yesterday, before the Blessing. Whereas then I could have used the wiggle room that exceptions to Gospel principles provide to reconcile my faith and my nature, now they are at complete odds--no room for negotiation, because there can be no exception to an individualized Blessing!
The two choices are starkly before me, now absolutely mutually exclusive. I have lost the luxury of any gray area. The Blessing has painted a clearer picture of what one path would look like, what God intends my path to look like. How can I take the other now, though that is what at least a part of me deeply desires?
Worse still, I despise myself for my lack of faith and gratitude for even thinking these things.