Almost every MoHo story I read contains a part where the MoHo in question goes through a time when all he wants to do is change his orientation...In Quiet Desperation talks about "callused knees" from hours spent in prayer, Goodbye, I Love You talks about dangerously long fasts, Peculiar People speaks of hours spent with priesthood leaders--all in the hope of reversing orientation. Me, on the other hand? Although there are of course times I wish I weren't gay, for the most part I don't actually want to be changed. In fact, I'm more ashamed about not wanting to be straight than I am about being gay!
It's not that I don't try to change my sexuality because I know it's impossible. Nor is it that I think of intimacy with a woman as revolting; I've just never had the desire to change. I've never been much of a conformist, and "fitting in" doesn't really hold all that much appeal for me, especially if it means compromising or ignoring who I am. At the same time, I know that I should want to change "who I am" to reflect the Great "I AM", and I do. But does that entail a change of orientation?
I don't know, sometimes it seems like the obsession to change orientation is a sort of MoHo rite of passage, something that has to be "put in". So I find myself wondering if I lack "righteous desires" because I don't really want to be married (and attracted) to a woman. I don't really think so, because I do want to be married, I do want to have a family, I do want the Temple in my life. But right now I'm not sure that a MoM (Mixed-Orientation-Marriage) is the right path for me. Maybe celibacy is. Again, I just don't know.
Sometimes MoHos talk of orientation change--most often in the next life--as a deliverance from their greatest trial. Am I an unruly, wicked, disobedient son of God, that presently I don't necessarily see that change in my identity as "deliverance", something to be awaited and hoped for and earned? I think Alan brought up something to this effect--that most straight members of the Church probably would not be very motivated by the idea of being turned gay in the next life, for time & eternity. At least right now, I am similarly reluctant.
This Sunday, I receive my patriarchal blessing. I am really hoping--and praying--for some kind of guidance.
3 comments:
The question will sometimes be posed: If there were a pill to turn a gay person straight - would you take it?
There was a time in my life when I would have answered 'yes' without a moment's hesitation.
But now, my answer would be 'no'. While being gay is inconvenient at times - I've finally reached a point where there is nothing shameful about being gay. My gayness permeates my entire being - if that were taken away then I would be like a piece of swiss cheese, full of holes.
Yes, that's quite how I feel too.
If I had ever been willing to admit to myself that I was attracted to men, I would have spent twenty or so years trying to rid myself of those attractions, but since I denied they existed, I never really tried to make them go away.
I mean, why would I need to change? Obviously I was attracted to girls, right? I had married one!
And then I figured it out and came out. And I still don't see why I would need to change, because I'm happy the way I am.
So technically I never went through the "wanting to change" thing either. I don't think it's actually required. (And if it is, they'll have to kick us both out!) :)
Post a Comment