4.22.2009

Second Thoughts

In all of my confusion with being gay, I've found myself wondering, "Am I really gay?"

Although I lack professional training here, I would place myself in the region of 4.5 on the Kinsey Scale, but I've been second-guessing that number lately. Kinsey's research states that sexuality is hardly a matter of checking "either/or" categorical boxes, but more of a continuum. (Because it is a continuum, Kinsey reminds us to remember the gradations between numbers on the scale.) Through out all of this, I have at times felt like a solid five and at other times more like a low four (which approaches the realm of bisexuality).

One of the ways used to measure sexuality (although I know I'm the only one who can truly know for myself) is to consider the appearance of men and/or women in (erotic) dreams. This doesn't much help me, unfortunately: For some reason, I can't really remember my dreams as well as others seem to, and I can't remember the last sexual dream I've had. Perhaps that's because of excessive stress and some sleep deprivation? I'm definitely not asexual, and it's not a matter of postponed puberty or hormones, either. I guess I don't know what it's a matter of, but something's the matter, and it matters!

On the one hand, maybe I'm just an example of the kid who engages in "mental experimentation", erroneously labels and convinces himself of homosexuality, and conforms to the idea of it (as a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy). Maybe it's all in my head, in other words. Unlikely, but possible.

On the other hand, maybe I'm just so full of internalized homophobia and self-hatred that I want to deny who I am. I don't know where my subconscious is on this one...I've never actually said the words "I am gay" aloud, so maybe that puts my subconscious in a state of wavering unsurety.

As far as other "indicators" go, most of them seem to fit (I'm creative, sensitive, emotional, musical (to a point), etc.). And yet, if I really am gay, I'm not exactly your stereotypical homosexual.

In short, maybe I need to look into some 'gaydar'. :-)

Is this kind of uncertainty normal?

3 comments:

Scott said...

Is this kind of uncertainty normal?Yes. I went a step further. I flat-out denied that I was gay--despite the evidence staring me in the face--for more than twenty years.

re: The dreams, I don't have erotic dreams (that I remember) very often either, and I never have (even as a teenager). I don't think anything's the matter with me (or you)--I just don't remember my dreams as well or don't have them as frequently as many people do.

Forget about the sexual aspect of sexual orientation. Think back to anyone you've ever been attracted to--to your crushes and "love-at-first-sight" moments; the times when someone walking into a room has made your insides go wiggly, or when you've suddenly realized that you've been gazing at someone for longer than you should have been.

How often is that "someone" a boy, and how often is that "someone" a girl?

Frank Lee Scarlet said...

Thanks for the sound and helpful guidance, yet again!

Alan said...

Scott's right. It's not just or even mostly about the physical aspect. It's who your eyes and brain and heart respond to without any effort by you to control it. That'll tell you what you need to know.