Dec.: Self-Discovery

Thanks to Abe for posting the poll questions I suggested and the accompanying theme. I hope people got something out of the results; as for me, I was quite intrigued. I posed those questions because I'm interested in seeing how people first realize their sexuality and subsequently identify themselves, something I'm finding difficult to do. If someone asked me if I were gay, bi or straight, I really wouldn't know how to answer. (As for the importance of having an answer, that's where the last poll question came from.)

Some might wonder why I'm finding it so hard to figure out such a basic part of myself. But as you probably know, it's not a matter of checking a box and moving on. Sexuality is a spectrum, and I have found both fluidity and ambiguity on mine.

When did I first know I was different? 'When did I not know' may be a more appropriate question. I was always different, dressing up in costumes, sporting a very unique style, doing things my own way. At the same time, I also clung to authority and never had trouble following the rules. I was a good, precocious, and odd boy.

At fifteen yrs-old at scout camp, I first realized I had a same-sex attraction. It was like, "I'm flirting with a guy" (lamely, but still). I racked my memory and concluded I was gay: As a child in a store with my mom, I would sometimes fall behind as I found myself stopped, looking at the model on the poster marking the boys' section. I remembered the boys in my kindergarten class, J---- and C----, whom I had always been mysteriously drawn to. In elementary school there was a boy with whom I waited for a bus once a week; I came to look forward to that day of the week, but passed off my protective feelings for him as 'paternalistic'.

But the reality was not that simple, because there were girls I had had my eyes on, too. M---- in kindergarten, A--- as an early-grader, and A----- in late elem. school.

Junior high brought hormones and crushes, on both a girl and guys (though I didn't use that term then).

Today, my physical attractions vary--I sometimes dream of gals, sometimes of guys. Emotionally, I connect with guys, more or less, though I relate with girls as well. Socially, I have wonderful friendships with both genders. And as for the stomach-bound butterflies, thinking of females can make my breaths somehow deeper (the right word? maybe 'tighter' is better), but when the right male enters the room, there can be a sort of--how to put it--yearning that I feel in my gut. It's like having a straight mind and a gay core, if that makes any sense (I'm sure it doesn't).

I suppose my best--well, only--option is to give myself time to figure out who I am.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has responded to the poll and theme!

Checking In (and Out?)

Thank you to everyone who has expressed their concern and support. You are so very kind. I am well but haven't posted lately mainly because of a new and more rigorous trimester in school.

It has been hectic lately.

A positive: it was so nice to put some faces with names at the Matis Christmas Fireside! Thanks to those who organized it, and to everyone who shared their abundant talent with us (Scott and Sarah!). Also so nice to meet some new friends there.

Beyond that, we continue to have a healthy (well, you know what I mean) dose of contention in our home. Probably not helped by your humble correspondent, who suffers from a male version of PMS, it would seem. And that is not helped by the unrelenting ignorance of and harassment from my sister. And that is not helped by the homophobia-affirming dogmas cherished by her dad, uncle, and church. I had to escape from it all, so I started my car and headed for...the library. (Take that, Establishment.) And it is from that locale that I am writing this now, putting off the homework that menacingly awaits me in my overstuffed backpack... which I dutifully brought along. (Yes, I'm quite the rebel, I know.)

...And due to that last and most time-consuming inconvenience, I can't make any promises about the fluency of my posts for a while. Right now, I hardly have the time to sleep or eat, so blogging , I'm afraid, must be bumped down a couple slots on the list of priorities. If things go downhill, I'll let you know, but in the meantime, I'll try to read a few blogs here and there, and thanks again for your kindness!