Still Troubled

Now that I have written not one but two blog posts bemoaning how woefully wrong my dad was a few days ago, the conversation still disturbs me--and this time, it's not the wrongness of it that bothers me, but the nagging possibility of its rightness.

What if he's right, I wonder, and I really would be ruining myself by pursuing a gay relationship and (for lack of a better word) lifestyle? What if I would be handing in my ticket of eternal progression, effectively getting off at this sorry stop as the rest of the Church rolls on toward the Celestial Kingdom and beyond?

"I had a cousin," my dad said Monday, "who went on a mission, came home, and decided to...follow this lifestyle. Long story short? He got AIDS, and in his dying moments he basically said 'I screwed up.' Near the end he was trying to crawl back to the Church, but it was too little, too late." (Dad did admit that he wasn't actually present at the time, but maintained that this is what happened.)

This concerned parent's warning continues to haunt me. I see myself on my deathbed--either as a young man with AIDS or as an old man with the crippling ailment of regret--confessing that 'I screwed up', but also knowing that the chance for change is past.

By the way--on a happier note: three cheers for the success of the Matthew Shepard Act! A great step forward.


Alan said...

Don't worry about the nagging suspicions or the what if's. Ponder which of all the alternatives and choices gives your heart the most true, honest peace within yourself.

Quinn said...

Sounds like quite the predicament.

Bravone said...

I know it might seem trite, but sometimes the scripture,"be still and know that I am God" helps me make it through rough moments of doubt, knowing that I am His son, He loves me, knows my heart, and will ultimately help me realize my full potential. My quest is to seek to trust Him and to understand His will in my life.

You are a wonderful, respected, intellegent, and talented young man with a bright future ahead of you. Acknowledging this should give you hope that no matter the exact course of your life, you will not only find happiness in the journey, but ultimately reach your full potential.

Abelard Enigma said...

To say your only choices are to live the stereotypical gay lifestyle of promiscuity and risky sexual behavior OR to get married in the temple is a false dichotomy. You have lots of choices available to you; and, the good news is that you don't have to decide right now. Follow your heart.

In the meantime, my advice is to maintain sexual purity and refrain from any sexual activity - it will help keep your mind clear so that you can make an informed decision on which direction to take your life. Once you decide to enter into a relationship (either same or opposite sex) then resolve to remain faithful in that relationship.

Just my $0.02

Oh, and consider telling your parents of your resolve to maintain sexual purity - it will help ease their minds and give them time to digest the news that they have a gay son. You've indicated your dad is set in his views of what it means to be gay - you have an opportunity to prove him wrong.

David Baker-@DB389 said...

I know precisely what you mean! What if I am wrong and I have been "decieved by Satan"? The only thing I can do on those days is pray to know if the path I am on is wrong. And I also pray to find & help someone in need. I completely agree with Abelard that Sexual promiscuity and a celestial marraige to a wife are not your only two options. Remember that you have a plane of choices before you and remember to follow your heart and your mind.

Frank Lee Scarlet said...

Thanks all for your support, wisdom, and kindness. I am humbled by the hugeness of your hearts and reminded of why I blog in the first place. This community truly is a life-saving 'family'.

@Alan: Thanks for your advice, which I am always happy to receive. You're right--there are always a thousand reasons not to do something, and this is no different (with any of the possibilities before me). Focused on the what-ifs, I wouldn't be able to choose *any* of these options. It would paralyze me, as it has for so long.
@Quinn: Thanks for commenting, Quinn. I like do like your idea of more commenting, and appreciate your sympathy!
@Bravone: Thank you for the much-needed reminder. I love that scripture and need to practice it! And thank you for reminding me to first trust in God, and then also trust in myself.
@Abe: Thank you for reminding me that life is not a series of this-or-that-type boxes to be checked, but is full of many options, choices, and opportunities. As you suggested, I am committed to maintaining sexual purity, and sharing that with my dad would be a great way of showing him that his preconceived notions will not do much good here. Thanks!
@David: It is always nice to hear from someone who truly empathizes--and even nicer when that person has meaningful suggestions about how to move forward! Thank you for your ideas--I do need to rely on Heavenly Father through prayer, and will make sure I am doing that.