- ...that I have lost who I thought I was and who I thought I was going to be.
- ...that I am disillusioned about marriage after seeing inside some "perfect" marriages and watching my own family crumble multiple times. I don't know that I would want to marry a woman even if I were straight, and I don't know that I want to marry a man, either. Realizing that I am gay has not made me think I belong with a man; it has made me realize that I am not fit for relationships of any kind.
- ...that I probably have a mood disorder called cyclothymia, a milder form of Bipolar Disorder. This is a self-diagnosis--I haven't "gone in" because I don't want to be manipulated by drugs and I worry that medication would interfere with my creativity.
- ...that I believe the prophets of the Church are men of God, but I don't--I can't--believe that homosexuality (not just the sex act, but rather the gay relationship on the whole) is wrong. I realize this is a contradiction, but I am a contradiction, a walking paradox. The bottom line: If I accept that homosexual relationships are morally inferior to heterosexual relationships by nature, I also accept that homosexuals are morally inferior to heterosexuals by nature--and I can't live with the belief that God thinks less of me because of the way He designed me.
- ...that I believe the Church is true, but I question the homosexuality policy because it has contradicted itself so many times, and God does not contradict Himself, which led me to seek the truth on this issue for myself. (I might not have done this if I weren't gay, but seeing as I was so directly affected, it was something I wanted to be sure of.) Perhaps this is not such a bad thing given that a few decades ago, the Church pushed shock therapy for gay members. Had I been a BYU student then, the choice would have been questioning the Church's homosexuality policy or electric-burned genitals. While thankfully the Church's stance has grown more reasonable, I'm still hesitant to believe that the pain of celibacy/MOM is required by God. The pain of electro-shock certainly wasn't, as evidenced by the fact that the Church no longer advocates such treatment.
- ...that I hate myself so much it hurts.
- ...that whereas my family and other problems will abate in a few years, THE problem will never go away, no matter what I choose to do. If I remain in the Church, I will think, "You're here because the Church says homosexuality is wrong--something you know is not true." If I leave the Church, I will think, "What if you're wrong and this is all a mistake? What if you have chosen the cup of eternal damnation?" Either way, I lose.
- ...that cowardice and concern for my family has saved my life.
- ...not as cut and dried as I once believed.
8.10.2009
The Truth Hurts
The truth is...
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3 comments:
I once wrote a Poem with similar thoughts titled Paradox.
I wish I knew what I could say to make you feel better.
Frank, I can live with everything but "that I hate myself so much it hurts." While I have been there, it breaks my heart that you feel that way. God did not in anyway create you imperfect. You are an amazing man. I almost automatically wrote young man, but although you are young, you are so much more mature than most your age that calling you a man seems more appropriate.
You have been put in the unfortunate position of having to grow up to fast and hold your family together. You have done a stellar job at that. You have saved your little sister's life. You are not only a strength to her, but many others, and your strength is not a facade. It is inner strength and represents the good man you have become.
Don't be in too much of a hurry to work through these truths. Some of it may take time. It's okay, even necessary to question for our growth.
However, please don't ever question your worth or your divine nature as a son of God who loves you just as you are.
Thank you, Jon, for your sympathy.
Thank you, Bravone, for your support and help. I will always remember and cherish your kind words.
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