I won't go into specifics, because I still don't know where I specifically am, but suffice it to say my "aha moment"--as Oprah would call it--centered around the realization that I cannot continue to look for loopholes to justify my hopes (regardless of what path I end up taking). Then, over breakfast yesterday morning, we agreed that one can intellectualize oneself out of the Church, as I probably have come close to doing.
Anyway, I'm leaving to spend the next two weeks or so with the aunt that I've referred to in previous posts (yes, the very one who warned me about relying too heavily on logic). It'll be a great chance to talk to her about everything and just think about the direction I'm to go in--without some of the pressures I juggle here on the home front. I don't expect to have a clear answer on return--nor would I necessarily want that--but I hope it will be a time to "re-orient" myself (no pun intended) and gain some more clarity.
In sum, it's not that I've come closer to a decision, it's that my way of thinking has changed, in the following aspects:
- I am no longer going to comb through Church doctrine searching for technicalities to justify a homosexual partnership.
- I will view my struggle and my options with the lens of faith, not the lens of skepticism that I fear has permeated my thinking for the past while.
- I will trust in myself to make the right decision based on my dependence on Heavenly Father. I have spent far too much emotional capital in anxiety over this.