Dear Readers (if anyone still reads this blog),
It's been months since my latest post--I'm sorry it's been so long. Truth is, I haven't felt like much of a MoHo lately. It's the first half of the term: I have been exploring other "spiritual paths," and my religious beliefs have changed considerably over the past months. I needed some time for that process (which I will post more on later), so thank you for that.
However, the news of Todd Ransom's suicide has jolted me awake from my long reverie. Scott's post on the subject really hit me--and my conscience. Reading his thoughts I realized that no matter how un-Mormon I become religiously, a part of me will always be a MoHo, and I need that community--we need each other--and maybe there will be someone who might, at some point, need my help.
Like Scott, I didn't know Todd personally, but I know plenty of people who could have just as easily been him. As I'm in the Salt Lake area for the summer, I could have been at the vigil last night, but unfortunately didn't find out about it in time because of my absence from this community. I do regret missing out on that, and I hope next time I will be there for others. So please, consider me back.
Rest in peace, Todd.
7.21.2010
4.27.2010
Gay Pon Farr--Gone Too Far?
"Should I smile because we're friends, or cry because that's all we'll ever be?"
~Anonymous
(I feel like doing the latter.):
~Anonymous
(I feel like doing the latter.):
4.04.2010
Questions
Browsing MoHo blogs I came across this quote from the Personal Writings of Joseph Smith, 509:
"Our heavenly Father is more liberal in His views, and boundless in His mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive."
Then, as I was verifying the quote, I came upon the second half:
"...and at the same time more terrible to the workers of iniquity, more awful in the executions of His punishments, and more ready to detect in every false way, than we are apt to suppose Him to be..."
I am at a crossroads with basically everything--church, school, family, identity. I suppose it's the age--as my mom says, "At 17 everyone is just trying to find who they are and where they fit in"--but being a gay/LGBT Mormon seems to add an extra dimension.
Already, people--family members, ward leaders, etc.--are asking about my mission. I'll have to make a decision soon, especially as I try to arrange college. And the scary thing is, I don't know. A couple of years ago I was Peter Priesthood; now I don't know who I am, and no one else does, either. Not too long ago I was visiting "inactives," but now I'm the one being hounded by the Priest Quorum advisor.
Am I straying? Am I lost? Have I been deceived by the "permissiveness of the world" (a popular phrase in today's GC session)? Will I forever have to wonder about "what might have been"? ("Of all sad words of tongue or pen..."--another conference favorite.)
I don't know where I stand with God. Nor do I know which God to look to--the One "more liberal in His views, and boundless in His mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive" or the One "more terrible" and "awful" to the sinful than we would suppose. On which hand do I stand? In which direction am I going? To what future should I look and act to bring about?
I wish I could put these things out of my mind, but I am running out of time. There's a sense of--at risk of sounding too melodramatic--a sense of foreboding, and a sort of suffocating inevitability to all of this.
3.14.2010
3.08.2010
Coincidence Followup
Disappointing news regarding my last post: my mother positively forbade me from talking about Stuart in my devotional or coming out at all, and for now I've no choice but to accept this. I'd rather not talk a whole lot about it. I'm not terribly angry with my mom so please don't feel the need to comment in her defense.
• • • • • • •
I think I need to take a little blogging break. I may chime in here or there on your blogs, but I'll be otherwise under the radar.
...Not for too long, though :)
2.19.2010
No Such Thing as Coincidence (?)
Wow. Yesterday I read that February 25, 2010 will be the 10th anniversary of Stuart Matis's suicide. Today in Seminary, I checked the class calendar to see when my upcoming devotional was. I had unwittingly signed up for February 25, 2010.
Is there such a thing as a coincidence?
Addendum:
What gets me is not only the coincidence of the dates, but also the fact that this comes at a time when I am already seriously considering coming out. Just thinking about it makes me nervous, confused, scared, and exhilarated. It would be so characteristic of me to talk about coming out, say I'm not ready 'just yet', plan to do it 'someday' when I am ready, and then never go through with it. Maybe this date, this highly improbable 'coincidence', happened so that I have a concrete window, a 'perfect opportunity', to take the plunge. If you've been reading this blog for a while you know that I like/want/need to be absolutely 100% sure about things, but I'm finding that, frustratingly, life is rarely that simple. What I desire is certainty; what I need is faith. So, I think I will try to find a quiet place to spend some time deep in thought and prayer this weekend.
And then I will seek to follow the Spirit and my heart.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." ~Dr Martin Luther King, Jr
Is there such a thing as a coincidence?
Addendum:
What gets me is not only the coincidence of the dates, but also the fact that this comes at a time when I am already seriously considering coming out. Just thinking about it makes me nervous, confused, scared, and exhilarated. It would be so characteristic of me to talk about coming out, say I'm not ready 'just yet', plan to do it 'someday' when I am ready, and then never go through with it. Maybe this date, this highly improbable 'coincidence', happened so that I have a concrete window, a 'perfect opportunity', to take the plunge. If you've been reading this blog for a while you know that I like/want/need to be absolutely 100% sure about things, but I'm finding that, frustratingly, life is rarely that simple. What I desire is certainty; what I need is faith. So, I think I will try to find a quiet place to spend some time deep in thought and prayer this weekend.
And then I will seek to follow the Spirit and my heart.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." ~Dr Martin Luther King, Jr
2.12.2010
MoHo Microcosm
Thursday, in Seminary: For the past several weeks (and days, in particular) I had been seriously considering whether it was time to come out. Just as I was feeling that it was time for action, the girl who sits behind me passed a note up asking to speak with me after class...and before I knew it I'm going with her to a Valentine's Day dance. I'm sure it'll be fun, and I'm sort of looking forward to it, but I do feel a bit disingenuous.
~~~
As I said, I am strongly considering coming out. I don't see any net benefits to staying closeted longer. It would be difficult to be openly gay in a fairly narrow high school, but I wouldn't be the only one. There are others who are out at my school, and others who will be out in the future. While I could stay within the (seemingly) safe confines of the closet, what about tomorrow's gay students--especially those who are also LDS? I'd like to think that my coming out could help foster positive change for them, so, I can do my part to maintain the status quo through inaction, or do what I can to change attitudes for the better. While I do not overestimate my (very limited) ability to influence anyone, I cannot simply shrug and say that people will be more accepting tomorrow--because they won't, unless there is action today. As Martin Luther King said, "Change does not roll in on the back of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle."
~~~
Everyone likes being liked, but for closeted gay people, it is often tainted by the insecurity "If you really knew me...", the worry that admirers would be scorners if they knew the truth. As an anonymous quote says, "It's better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for someone you are not." I've tried the latter, and now I'm ready to risk the former.
~~~
Some may advise me not to come out when I have been so unsure of my orientation. My sexuality has indeed been somewhat ambiguous; however, I think this is more common than I was led to believe. I have read that it is quite normal to see a two year period between the realization that one is not heterosexual and the definite claiming of an orientation. Knowing this, I'm not sure the discovery and exploration of my sexuality has been all that unusual. Moreover, I think that it is probably because the fact of my homosexuality didn't occur to me at a young age that I was able to develop self-assurance that would help me in the coming out process now. In other words, the ambiguity I've experienced, far from being a reason not to come out, is one of the main reasons I feel I could.
Others may warn that I will be limiting my options in life, and there is truth in that. To respond I go back to the ongoing story of the St. Valentine's dance...
~~~
Earlier today we made arrangements to pick out the corsage and...boot-thing. Sometime after school I met her and her family at the floral shop. I'm not sure why they came along, but they did, and I was fine with it. I shook their hands, but I was already feeling like a fraud. As we picked something out, I began to feel, on a miniscule level, a tiny bit of what a mixed-orientation relationship might be like for me. Don't get me wrong, I know this is just a silly high school dance, but in a small way it seemed like a microcosm what the situation might be like for me: She took the initiative, not me; I felt untrue, in a way, to both her and myself; my knowledge of flowers was more extensive than hers; etc... (Just kidding on the last one there :)
The hardest thing was her dad. He was a really nice guy. And he was happy. He seemed pleased with me and pleased that his daughter was going to a dance. At one point he put his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye, and something inside told me I was just wrong. It's such a small thing, but I realized then what I knew all along: that I would not marry a woman. I don't want to, can't do this on an eternal scale--that was the thought that came to me as I shook her dad's hand.
~~~
With regards to my closet status, I will pray fervently and think carefully before moving forward. But in the end that is usually what coming out is: a move forward. There are always a thousand reasons not to do something, but I resolved at the beginning of this year to not let my fears obstruct my way forward. They are warranted, to some degree (there likely is rejection and misunderstanding in store), but life requires us to take risks. I have allowed fear to paralyze me for most of my life, and this time, I intend to follow the advice of a book written to help people move beyond their misgivings:
feel the fear...and do it anyway
~~~
As I said, I am strongly considering coming out. I don't see any net benefits to staying closeted longer. It would be difficult to be openly gay in a fairly narrow high school, but I wouldn't be the only one. There are others who are out at my school, and others who will be out in the future. While I could stay within the (seemingly) safe confines of the closet, what about tomorrow's gay students--especially those who are also LDS? I'd like to think that my coming out could help foster positive change for them, so, I can do my part to maintain the status quo through inaction, or do what I can to change attitudes for the better. While I do not overestimate my (very limited) ability to influence anyone, I cannot simply shrug and say that people will be more accepting tomorrow--because they won't, unless there is action today. As Martin Luther King said, "Change does not roll in on the back of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle."
~~~
Everyone likes being liked, but for closeted gay people, it is often tainted by the insecurity "If you really knew me...", the worry that admirers would be scorners if they knew the truth. As an anonymous quote says, "It's better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for someone you are not." I've tried the latter, and now I'm ready to risk the former.
~~~
Some may advise me not to come out when I have been so unsure of my orientation. My sexuality has indeed been somewhat ambiguous; however, I think this is more common than I was led to believe. I have read that it is quite normal to see a two year period between the realization that one is not heterosexual and the definite claiming of an orientation. Knowing this, I'm not sure the discovery and exploration of my sexuality has been all that unusual. Moreover, I think that it is probably because the fact of my homosexuality didn't occur to me at a young age that I was able to develop self-assurance that would help me in the coming out process now. In other words, the ambiguity I've experienced, far from being a reason not to come out, is one of the main reasons I feel I could.
Others may warn that I will be limiting my options in life, and there is truth in that. To respond I go back to the ongoing story of the St. Valentine's dance...
~~~
Earlier today we made arrangements to pick out the corsage and...boot-thing. Sometime after school I met her and her family at the floral shop. I'm not sure why they came along, but they did, and I was fine with it. I shook their hands, but I was already feeling like a fraud. As we picked something out, I began to feel, on a miniscule level, a tiny bit of what a mixed-orientation relationship might be like for me. Don't get me wrong, I know this is just a silly high school dance, but in a small way it seemed like a microcosm what the situation might be like for me: She took the initiative, not me; I felt untrue, in a way, to both her and myself; my knowledge of flowers was more extensive than hers; etc... (Just kidding on the last one there :)
The hardest thing was her dad. He was a really nice guy. And he was happy. He seemed pleased with me and pleased that his daughter was going to a dance. At one point he put his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye, and something inside told me I was just wrong. It's such a small thing, but I realized then what I knew all along: that I would not marry a woman. I don't want to, can't do this on an eternal scale--that was the thought that came to me as I shook her dad's hand.
~~~
With regards to my closet status, I will pray fervently and think carefully before moving forward. But in the end that is usually what coming out is: a move forward. There are always a thousand reasons not to do something, but I resolved at the beginning of this year to not let my fears obstruct my way forward. They are warranted, to some degree (there likely is rejection and misunderstanding in store), but life requires us to take risks. I have allowed fear to paralyze me for most of my life, and this time, I intend to follow the advice of a book written to help people move beyond their misgivings:
feel the fear...and do it anyway
2.07.2010
Klein Grid
Taking the Kinsey Scale a step forward: the Klein Grid. It's a measure of sexuality used in psychology, I understand, which Mme. Curie mentioned in a recent post.
I completed a self-administered version of it at www.kleingridonline.com. Some of the questions weren't exactly applicable to me (such as sexual history), but I did the best I could. Also tricky was fairly evaluating the past (since I've only been out to myself for a short while) and my ideal future (since I'm really unsure about that). But I think it's a fairly helpful tool overall. It basically confirms what I've been feeling lately--that I need to accept my homosexuality and move on with things.
I completed a self-administered version of it at www.kleingridonline.com. Some of the questions weren't exactly applicable to me (such as sexual history), but I did the best I could. Also tricky was fairly evaluating the past (since I've only been out to myself for a short while) and my ideal future (since I'm really unsure about that). But I think it's a fairly helpful tool overall. It basically confirms what I've been feeling lately--that I need to accept my homosexuality and move on with things.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)